Clarification

I feel my last post, and it's ambiguity about Baby #3 has left some people feeling different ways about things. So...

To those who felt like I was putting that statement out there because I am annoyed at all the asking, I apologize. I do not mind the questions at all. It's just that since a number of people have asked in the past few days/weeks/whatever, I felt that it was something that would be good to write about here, for all to know at once. I really was just too tired to actually write anything about it that day.

To those who are now thinking that I am actually currently pregnant and not yet telling you, sorry again, but no. I'm not pregnant. I am also not planning on being pregnant quite yet. (Of course, now that I've written that, I will probably get pregnant next week or something.) So, I apologize if you feel I've led you astray.

Apologies out of the way, unless you fall into an altogether different group, then my apologies to you for whatever it was I led you to think/feel/believe/etc. Now, I'm not sure what else to say. I do want you to know thought, that whatever I do say next, I don't mean to come off as preachy, or defensive, or whatever else. This is just where my heart is right now. So please read it gently.

No, I'm not pregnant, but yes, we are planning on having a third baby sometime. Obviously, "nowish" is the time as Josh has a fairly laid-back job and isn't planning on deploying any time soon. (And now that I've said that, he'll be going to Afghanistan next week.) Of course, Josh was ready 9 months ago for Baby #3 to be here already, so now we all know it's been mainly my decision to keep waiting.

As you may remember, I wanted to get my wisdom teeth out before we started trying for Baby #3, because if I got pregnant again before they came out, I have NO idea when that ever would have happened, and they were causing me much pain, so they HAD to come out. That had to wait until we got to Alaska because every. single. dentist. in Oklahoma was booked until well after we would have been gone from there. So, we made it to Alaska, the teeth have come out, so what's the hold up now?

I'm not sure. Basically, it comes down to me just not being ready, I think. I mean, I want another child, I really, really do, but I just don't want to do the pregnancy thing again yet. Nor, do I want to do that newborn phase again. There are a bunch of women here who have either given birth in the last few weeks or are due to give birth soon, and I look at them and I look at their babies, and I think, "No. I do not want to go there again."

I try to throw out things like, "I would really like Deacon to be 3 before Baby #3 comes along" or "I'm just not sure about timing right now because if family comes to visit in the summer..." (which leads to two or so tangets on its own) and so on. But really, none of that really matters. Why does matter if Deacon is 3 or almost 3? Why should my cousin's wedding that most likely will be in June determine when I get pregnant? It doesn't matter. None of it does.

Because what it boils down to is the fact that I just don't want to.

Now, all of this isn't to say that if I did get pregnant next week, I wouldn't be excited. I would be thrilled. The more Josh and I talk about it, the more "ready", I guess, I get. I do want another child. I do want it all to happen. I just sometimes look at my boys and wonder if I really need more?

Of course, I've come to realize that all of this is just nonsense. That whether or not I'm ready, God, if He chooses to, will give us another child in His perfect timing. Look at Deacon. Clearly, I was not ready to pregnant with him when I found out I was (I cried tears that weren't the happy kind at first), but now, now it's perfect. And I can see God moving in all of that. Looking back again, I realize all my worrying, thinking, and planning, is moot. God knows my heart, my circumstances, and my capabilities far better than I do. He will never give me more than I can handle or more than I can deal with by His grace.

So, I've stopped worrying about it. I've stopped thinking about it. I've stopped trying to plan it all out in my head. I have FINALLY given it all over to God, and I know He will provide perfectly for me. Therefore, if I get pregnant next week, great! If it takes 5 years, great! If it never happens again, great. Because I know my God is in control, and that is enough for me.